Moving on

We were complicated people, you and I. We weren’t simple. We do things differently and we have different goals, expectations in life to fulfil that is so totally different. We ended up making every situation in our life about 100x more difficult than it had to be.

We argued a lot. I fought with you at inopportune times, but my anger was fueled by my passion and emotions for you. I cared. I loved you. I loved all of you. I loved that I was the only one you showed certain parts of yourself to, you gave me all of you. I was uncertain with most of the decisions you've made most of the time because i felt you weren't ambitious. You never try to reach out for something better. You never challenged yourself and that is why i did. I confronted you a lot. I’m not the type of girl who nods and laughs and is always comfortable, I wasn't easy — as in, I didn't just "go with the flow.” I had opinions and big dreams for the future, I wanted the best for you. I never put up with not getting everything I deserved.

We wanted this to work out so badly that we thought there was a logical solution to working out our differences. But there wasn’t. The truth is, you just weren’t ready. Your insecurities, whatever nonsense or the reason was, you started to push me away. You loved me in a way I have never been loved but you still weren’t ready. And that was the hardest thing to accept. I knew I had to let go because you never ever have to convince or inspire someone to do the work to be ready. I never let you get away with slacking on your talents or putting in effort towards our relationship because I knew what we had. And you were never left uninspired or unsatisfied.I was figuring out what went wrong, if i was not good enough and what i could actually do to make it right.

I ended up realising that i hang onto this idea that there was so much potential to be happy with you. Even thru the bad times, we have had our moments of happiness that always got me going, fighting for us, making you stay. Even when you didn't treat me well, even when you couldn't give me what I needed and what I wanted. I hang on thinking things will get better. Then I realised that what we had wasn't healthy. How could i ever mistaken 'us' for being a happy one.

When he broke up with me, there were so much uncertainty, like 'Why wasn't he putting the effort to fight for what we had?', 'Why was it so easy for him to let go so easily?', etc... Like everything seemed unfair. These feelings can stay for awhile and its hard to see beyond the dark cloud that's in front. I thought I couldn’t live without you, but my heart is finally starting to beat again. You broke my heart open and new light got in, you made me so desperate and out of control that I had to transform my life, and I did. I thought I would grow old with you, but sometimes, life has other plans. I had so much anger and pain, it was gnawing away at me, slowly destroying me.

They we right when they say 'time heals all wounds'. Im thankful that because of you, i learnt that even with efforts, it's not the only thing you need to keep the relationship going. You need both parties to keep putting in the effort for each other. It takes 2 hands to clap they say. I'm glad you helped me opened my eyes to the better options that were just right in front of me.